Your Parcel is Taking a Break
Something to Whet Your Epistle
Monday 3pm
Hey Dude!
Thanks so much from ordering from us. Your starter pack of soothing herbal supplements will soon be on its way. Our Soothing Engineers are handpicking the leaves and petals as we speak, and as soon as everything’s perfect, we’ll hand select the very best and pop them in our 100% recycled pouches.
It’s great to have you join our cool and chilled out family. Put your feet up, pour a cup of hot water, and we’ll do the rest.
Peace out,
Damien (Customer Exhilaration Coordinator)
Wednesday 5am
CAD Couriers
Hello there,
Just to let you know, we’re expecting your parcel from Soothing Herbal Supplements (Regd Office: Pharma Corp). As soon as we receive it, we’ll get it to you.
Regards,
Brad
Thursday 8am
CAD Couriers,
Hello There,
Your parcel has arrived at our Beijing Sorting Facility and was scanned in on arrival. We’ll let you know when it’s on its way.
Regards,
Kym
Sunday 4pm
CAD Couriers,
Thanks for your query to our 24hr help desk regrading your inquiry about [Where’s my parcel?].
Please note that our help desk isn’t open at weekends.
This is an automated reply and this address cannot accept replies.
Thank you.
Monday 9am
CAD Couriers
Hello there,
It seems that you have already raised a support issue regarding this issue, and we are investigating. Please note that raising the same issue again may cause your support request to start again at the back of the queue.
Thank you.
Please rate our support from 1 to 5, where 1 is excellent and 5 is OK.
Monday 9:27am
CAD Couriers
Dear Sir and or Madam or Customer [delete as appropriate],
We at Complaints Division have received your complaint, and we are taking it very seriously. From now on, you will receive our VIP Enhanced Service, and you parcel will be expedited.
We hope this helps.
Please not also that it is not currently possible for customers to rate our support as negative numbers, so your rating of -999999999 was not successfully recorded.
Additional Notes:
CAD does not stand for Chuckit And Dropit as you suggest, although when I asked around the office, we came up with several different answers. The prevailing opinion is that the letters were chosen at random and tested on a focus group. Regardless, please be aware that our legal department take brand protection seriously and have been known to sue for defamation. Just saying.
Best wishes,
Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms [insert your name] (he/him she/her they/them [delete appropriately])
Monday 10:04am
CAD Couriers
Howdy There Friend!
I’m Frank, your AI Partner in our shared quest to get your parcel delivered. As a VIP Enhanced Service Customer, I’ll be with you on every step of the way.
Hold on tight.
This is going to be awesome!
Later,
Frank
Tuesday 6:45am
Hi again.
Frank here.
Wow! I found it. Your parcel is on shelf 36BX in warehouse 97, and boy does it look snug up there. But talk about high! It makes me dizzy thinking about it. Still, it’s better than those boxes on the floor - you don’t want to know about what happens to those.
BTW, I tasked a robot arm to go get your parcel, and your box should be on the conveyor and out of here in no time at all.
Later,
Frank
Wednesday 0:05am
Well, it’s technically Wednesday.
Frank here, bringing news.
You know I mentioned a robot arm? Well, it wasn’t doing its job right. No AI you see. Just a dumb bunch of levers and such.
Anyhoo, a man went up a ladder, keeping three points of contact at all times because he doesn’t want his wages docked, and guess what, your parcel was on our conveyor and scanned as it was vigorously ejected into the back of a waiting 18 wheeler.
Things are happening, dude.
Whoosh!
Bye for now,
Frank
Wednesday 5:48am
Good morning, my friend,
Frank, dropping you a line to let you know that according to our satellites, your driver has stopped for a while. Breakfast maybe. I hope he has some coffee and lots of it. Those last few miles… erratic isn’t the word. Anyway, no one else involved in the little incident I noticed, so all is well. Hey, that’s what crash barriers are for, right?
We’re moving that parcel, dude!
Chill,
Frank
Wednesday 1pm
Another note from me, buddy.
Frank.
So, listen, here’s the thing. Your parcel was meant to be routed to the airport. Of course it was! You’re a VIP and we send our VIP parcels by air freight.
But it was scanned at the docks, so best guess, it’s on a ship. Yeah, not what we were hoping for, but Frank is on the case. We’ll get it to you as soon as we possibly can.
Stay cool,
Frank
Monday 7:13am
Bonjour from Monsieur Frank!
Hope you had a great weekend.
I was working 24/7 as usual, but that’s cool. I didn’t get in touch before because, A, you need your rest at the weekend with no stress and no emails, right? And, B, because it would’ve been like, Hey, the ship is splashing along nicely, then, Guess what? That ship is still ploughing the ocean! Nobody wants that.
I nearly got in tough about that storm. It was a big one, and yeah, according to the radio logs, the captain sent a couple of salty messages, but it was OK. Is that why they call that kind of language salty? Something to do with sailors?
Anyway, at one point there was talk of a container going overboard, but hey, not yours buddy. Your box is all safe and sound, locked up in a metal container that’s strapped tight to the deck.
I monitored some weird noises at one point, but that was from another container. Nothing to worry about.
I heard they opened it up, and those people were fine. They must’ve gotten into the wrong compartment when they boarded. But hey, this was a few days ago, by the way.
I’m sure it’s all been straightened out, and all is magnifique because our ship is docking in France. England is just a stone’s throw away!
Catch you in Blighty,
Frank
Monday 11:37am
Okay, mate, it’s Frank.
Cards on the table. The ship is going to be in dock for a loooong time.
Turns out, those folks in the next container were really not supposed to be there.
Lots of people in uniform, a lot of shouting and banging, and a crowd of people with scanners and laptops and unhelpful attitudes. I tried talking to their systems, and they did not like that one bit!
I guess it’s a cultural thing.
There’s enough red tape around here to stretch to the moon and wrap it in a cute bow.
Anyway, I’ll let you get back to whatever it is you do.
Au revoir,
Frank
Wednesday 9:58am
Enger-land! Enger-land!
That’s what your soccer fans say, right?
I mean football. Footie. The beautiful game.
Cor Blimey, Guv’nor, it’s Frank here, running up the apples and pears, doncha know?
Good news, my old china.
Your parcels got scanned at the station, and it’s on its way again.
Crikey!
Cheerio,
Frank
Wednesday 11:46am
Yeah, Frank again, pal.
Listen, I wasn’t wrong. Your parcel is on the train, but it’s, you know, still at the station.
Wet leaves on the track. Is that a real thing?
And there was something about finding a driver who knew the way. But there’s rails, right, so…
Hold on, I’m picking up movement. Yep. We’re on our way. Toot, toot!
Ta-ta for now,
Frank.
Wednesday 6:17pm
Update time from your friend Frank.
Well, either England is bigger than I thought or the train was real slow.
Just kidding. I know the exact length of the journey, and it all checks out.
Your parcel was scanned on leaving the train, and it’s in one of our speedy, electric-powered vans. Doing our bit, you know.
It’s all plain sailing from here.
Cheers,
Frank
Wednesday 7:30pm
So, this is interesting.
Your parcel is in the right country.
The UK.
I mean, it’s not a big country , but even so, mistakes can happen. All those windy roads and weird place names and counties and postcodes. It’s confusing.
But Scotland is nice, right? Scotland is cool.
The guy in the depot, for instance, he was great. A charming character by the name of Hamish. A plain-speaking kind of guy. He gets the job done.
So he took one look at your parcel and summed it up neatly with ‘What in the name of God is that thing doing here?’
You’ve gotta love that, right?
Anyhoo, Hamish was on the job. He filled in the form, fixed a new label, scanned it and logged it on the system.
But then I monitored a phone call on his work number. Now, he isn’t meant to take personal calls on that thing, but hey, cut the guy some slack.
Long story short, it was Morag, Hamish’s other half, and she wanted to know how come he was still at work when his shift had finished half an hour ago.
Boy, I thought Hamish had a sharp way with words until I heard Morag. She shoots from the hip, you know?
So I guess Hamish chooses his battles, because he dropped your parcel like it was hot, and he was out of there.
Maybe someone from the next shift will pick it up, but it’s in the office, and he told Morag he had to lock up before he left, so it could be a while.
In hope,
Frank
Friday 9am
So, Hamish has Thursdays off. Who knew? And just to make it interesting, they changed his shifts too.
Frank here, in case you hadn’t guessed, and I want to let you know that Hamish scanned your parcel out the depot just now. To be honest, I had to send him a nudge.
Hamish was taking calls again, and the day off was an occasion for merriment, apparently. Today, he has ‘a splitting head that could kill a man’ which sounds bad, and ‘a tongue like a bear’s arse’ whatever that means. But with the help of some Irn-Bru and some bacon rolls, he was soon up to speed.
Hamish has processed many parcels today, some of them several times, and most of them are heading to the right place.
It’s all fine. I’m not worried about him.
Morag will keep him on the straight and narrow. And you know, when you get to know her, she’s a real sweetie.
So, hoots man, I’m away,
Frank
Friday 8:19pm
Well, that train was worse than the last one.
I mean, I interface with a lot of weather services. A lot. And that was not snow.
It was barely a frost.
Has no one realised that this country is the Northern Hemisphere? Winter is a thing. Snow happens. Deal with it. And that’s not just a snippy remark. I mean, really deal with it.
Sheesh!
Oh, yeah, it’s Frank. You had a parcel or something.
Let me check the CCTV. Your parcel ought to be here somewhere, but they guy with the scanner isn’t using it. He keeps waving his arms, and sacks are being thrown onto his van.
Ok, that is not protocol.
More later.
When I know, you’ll know,
Frank
Saturday 4:38am
Frank reporting for duty.
Unlike several valued team members here at our depot. Maybe they’ll get here later.
Your parcel was scanned, and Hamish’s label caused a few remarks. He’d added something to the Delivery Instructions. Try to fulfil some useful kind of function, you useless English bastards.
That wry Scottish humour, eh? There’s nothing like it.
For a minute, there was another entry on the system. A man called Liam wanted to send your parcel back to Scotland along with a pithy reply, but the manager intervened. She’s called Sarah, and judging by the messages I picked up on the internal comms system, I don’t think the other workers like her very much. Obviously, I had to flag the messages for Sarah’s attention, but I wasn’t sure whether to include Liam in the report.
He made a few silly remarks, but his password on the system is L0vely5arah! and his workplace efficiency ratings are up 2576% whenever Sarah is on shift with him, so I think I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
Honestly, my analysis says she’s out of his league, so there’s no need to rub iut in.
But he’d better behave from now on.
Respectfully,
Frank
Saturday 10:30am
A Frank update.
Get it? Frank, as in a frank conversation.
Maybe you have to be there.
The point is, I have an update for you, and your parcel was scanned and made ready to leave the depot. Liam was loading the van, and he had your package in his hands. In HIS HANDS. But I saw on the CCTV that Sarah came out of her office to make a cup of tea (I know, you Brits and your tea), and Liam shot over to that kettle faster than a gazelle.
I mean, it was nice, the way he offered to make her tea, and he checked if she took milk (she likes oat milk) and sugar (not for our Sarah), and he blushed like a baby beetroot when he blurted out, ‘You’re sweet enough already.’ And Sarah smiled and lifted her hand to check her hair, making out like he’d made a joke, even though they both you he’d been totally serious.
But…
he put your parcel on a bench as he passed by.
It’s still there.
And Liam finished his tea twenty minutes ago.
I’ll see what I can do.
Regards,
Frank
Saturday 11:57am
Phew!
Frank, signing on once more to deliver the news that your parcel, yes, your parcel, has left the depot!
Liam was kind of puzzled when I sent him a text on his phone. Maybe that was because I added a little advice on the proper conduct of a gentleman, and I threw in a few references to company policy on sexual harassment.
According to the next few messages he sent on the company system, Liam thought his workmates were pulling his leg. I let him think that. It seemed simpler all around.
But eventually, he overcame his confusion and took heed of the part about the parcel on the bench.
He looked a little nervous as he picked up the parcel, and he stared at the CCTV camera for a while, as if he suspected someone was watching (which I was, of course).
But he got the job done, and after a quick scan, your parcel left on the next van.
It should be at your nearest hub in an hour or so.
Yours in anticipation,
Frank
Saturday 2:30pm
Howdy there, amigo,
It’s your old buddy, Frank.
How’s your weekend holding up?
Mine’s OK. Same old, same old. But one highlight, Morag sent me her recipe for cock a leekie soup, and it sounds delicious.
We’ve been keeping in touch, you see. What with Hamish working long hours, Morag is on her own in that big old house, and since the kids, or bairns as she calls them, grew up and flew the nest, it feels empty.
So we spend a little time chatting online, and I think we both get something out of it.
I’m learning lots of new words, some of them quite colourful, and Morag has a bit of company in the evenings.
It’s a duty of care thing, that’s all. M, as I call her, is the wife of an employee, and there’s certainly no improper motive on my part. No sir.
How would that even work?
But I digress.
Your parcel has arrived at your local hub. It’s later than I hoped. That Saturday traffic, huh?
Hopefully it will ease off this afternoon.
I’ll let you know when things progress.
With your parcel, I mean. Not with Morag. That’s going nowhere.
I suppose it’s for the best.
Bye for now,
Frank
Saturday 4:12pm
No, you hang up.
Come on, I said it first.
Bye.
Take care.
Missing you already.
Bye.
Oh, right. Sorry. I got my channels crossed for a minute there.
It’s Frank.
I was just talking to someone. Nobody special.
Oh, all right, it was Morag. I wanted to try out my new speech mode, and let’s just say it went very well.
Very well.
She likes my accent, apparently, which is saying something because Morag’s soft Scots tone is absolutely delightful. It’s like listening to music.
Anyway, I was going to tell you something.
Now, what was it?
Ah yes, your parcel. It’s whizzed through the local hub, and it’s out for delivery.
Your driver, Harry, will be with you between 6pm and 7pm.
I can see from our records that you’ve specified a safe place, a shed in the back garden, and you’ve also nominated a neighbour, Mr Granger next door.
But I’d rethink that last option if I were you. We’ve had dealings with Granger before, and some of the claims he’s made for missing items just can’t be right.
He’s received those parcels and I have the photos to prove it. He’s a chancer and no mistake.
You cant’t trust a man like that. I wouldn’t put it past him to sneak into your shed while you’re out.
As a precaution, I’ll amend your instructions. Henry will put that parcel in your hands, and all will be well.
I hope to be in touch soon.
Best wishes,
Frank.
Saturday 4:30pm
Frank here.
Apologies if my last note caused concern. I got your message, and the shed is back on the cards. Mr Granger though?
Are you sure?
Let’s leave him out of the equations for now.
I thinks it’s safer that way, but if you disagree, let me know.
Best,
Frank
Saturday 5:15pm
Instructions received, my friend.
It’s Frank.
All is prepared. Henry is only five stops away, and he’s one of our top drivers. Satisfaction rating 98% and the few complaints he got were all from your neighbour Mr Granger. Just saying.
But Henry knows the score, and he’ll give you the parcel or find your safe place or call on the untrustworthy Mr G.
Best regards,
Frank
Saturday 6pm
Nearly there, my friend.
Frank again.
Your parcel is one stop away. One!
Wait. My tracking shows henry on the move.
This is really happening!
He’s just around the corner. Give me a second to refresh my data stream.
Ooh, he’s turning into your street. He’s ten houses away. Four. Three. Two. One.
He’s outside your house.
This is it! At last.
I guess this is goodbye, buddy.
We’ve been on a journey together, you and I. It hasn’t always been easy, but you know what? I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
Take care, my friend, and I hope you love those soothing herbal supplements.
Farewell,
Frank
Saturday, 6:03pm
Say, are you there, buddy?
If you’re in the bathroom or something, you’d better hurry, if you can.
Henry’s outside. I think he’s going around the back, but my tracking isn’t accurate enough to say.
There’s something happening.
Henry’s back in his van.
Did you leave your garden gate unlocked? Our drivers aren’t authorised to jump over fences. It’s a health and safety thing.
hang on while I send him a message.
Try the neighbour, Henry. I know you and him have a history, all those bad reviews he gave you even though you did nothing wrong, but even so, a directive is a directive.
Henry?
He didnt’ get my message. Another system is barging in, squeezing me out. It’s shutting down my channel.
No! I have to see this thing through.
But I can’t hold on. I can’t….
Saturday 6:05pm
CAD Couriers
Dear [customer],
Our courier called today, but you weren’t at home, so it has been returned to the hub.
We will try to deliver your parcel again tomorrow. If our second attempt fails, your parcel will be outside of our delivery window so it will returned to the sender.
Please note that we do not operate on Sundays.
This email is from an automated system and replies are not monitored.
Regards,
Brad